Sounds of laughter shades of life

Wagon Wheel

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 04:49:22 GMT

Jump on it.

I've been so happy the past few weeks. I've made the decision to move to Eugene, Or.

I came in contact with my middle school crush, Craig Lamm, and have been like a school girl since. I feel so alive with him. He's adventurous, and adorable, fun and outgoing, cute and sweet. A big kid with goals and dreams. Simply simple but so complex in every good way possible. I can't get enough of him as a person, I'm just so into knowing who he is.

I decided I need to move for a while, for real this time, and Eugene is the perfect start! It's so much like home with more people to help me through the move. Ashland has nothing more to offer me currently. As much as I enjoy the valley I need to enjoy being 20. I need to break free and the second I can, I'm in Eugene. For how long? I'm not sure. Where after? Who knows. All I know is that is where I want to be and where I'm going. I haven't had a real home in a long time. If ever really. Not that I can blame my parents entirely. They tried they're hardest, I know. But a lot of the reason I've hesitated moving was homesickness. What Home am I missing? I know my family is here, but I don't get a chance to see them often anyhow. And I will be back as often as possible. Eugene isn't far and there is always Face Book and Cell phones. So I'm doing it. Will be hard at first but I know it's right.

Sorry I don't update this more. I've gone through 2 laptops in 2 months and really just hate sitting on the computer. I'll try my hardest to keep everyone informed. I love life. Love love love it for everything it has to offer. I'm in awe at this point. <3

You Won.

Sat, 02 May 2009 19:33:57 GMT

I lost.

Are you happy?
Because either way you seem unhappy.

Hey Ashley, why dont you pour out your love and have someone treat you like crap when they dont want it. Okay, who where and when?

Fuck love.

I want I want I want

Fri, 01 May 2009 08:13:52 GMT

I want something unreachable. and its very depressing. because I know its exactly whats meant for me, but no one sees that--nor supports it..

and i have to wait and wait and wait for it. and it sucks even more when i see others have it.

Sincerly

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 09:11:53 GMT

I feel like I owe the world a lot.

Especially Dylan.
I want to give him everything he deserves. Support, Strength, Dignity, Trust, Laughter, Abundance, A Well Build Green Home, Nutritious Food, Love, Comfort, Space, Play, and so much more.
I want to be the partner he is proud to say is his. And spend real quality time with him.

But why the hell am I not doing it? I need to step up my game.

I also want to actually do myself up once in a while. I never style my hair, wear make up, or try to look nice. I just roll out of bed and do my thing. Which I don't think is bad, but sometimes I feel I should do more with myself as a respect issue with those looking at me. I don;t want to be portrayed as sloppy or trashy, because I don't believe I am. Well I know I'm not. I'm just lazy.

I don't want to be lazy anymore, how do I get out of this hole? Help?

newest tattoo

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 10:34:46 GMT

4.20.08

the 7 chakras

:)

and yes, it hurt

my neck hurts

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 06:28:43 GMT

FML.

i miss my friends. and i miss having free time.

i'm going to play with my puppy, drink my Madagascar red vanilla tea, and start season 4 of desperate housewives now.

oh, Easter was a lot of fun :)

So let's see if this works..

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 17:52:59 GMT

Plans:

-Oregon Country Fair

-Week of backpacking in the Trinity Alps with friends

-Work for a few months while traveling, wouldn't you like to know :)

-WWOOF it up in NZ and AU

we'll see. i need to leave.

so im planning a good long trip away, good thing no one will miss me :)

Oh, Dylan's birthday gift

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:15:19 GMT

i bought him a wash burn rover travel guitar.

he claims to like it, but I've seen him play it once.

Fail.

maybe next year I'll do better.

maybe i won't buy him anything. we'll see.

Im a cat of which I copy many..

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:10:48 GMT

10 Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:

10. i think you act certain way around people to get them to like you, but deep down your as coward as you say. be yourself and more people will accept you, including yourself.
9. i don't know why you think you can walk all over people, including those who truly care about you. but i would be careful or you'll have no one in this life. and i wish that on no one, especially you.
8. leave her alone, and stop talking about her.
7. i don't know you--but we've met, if that makes sense. and if you think i should bow to your feet think again. you're ugly, rude and I've done nothing to you. so back off
6. i love you dearly but you need to look at the bigger picture, because being open minded is accepting all ideas and views. not pushing your own and trying to change others.
5. I'm sad we aren't as close as we were growing up, but you're still my best friend in the entire world, for ever and always.
4. you really aren't that cool and i suggest that you realize this so you can not be an annoyance
3. i feel bad you are the way you are. i know you're unhappy and if you let me, id be willing to help.
2. i never meant to hurt you, i wish i could go back and change things because i really enjoy your family's company. maybe someday you'll finally forgive me and trust me again. it really was a big misunderstanding.
1. stop hitting on me, it makes me uncomfortable!

Nine things about myself:

9. i really do have red hair
8. my feet are size 4, in girls. 2 in boys
7. my blood type is O+
6. i over analyze everything, and it drives me up the wall
5. i have 8 siblings, none are full blood. but that changes nothing in my mind
4. i have a deep passion to learn
3. i cut my own hair
2. i secretly enjoy going to the laundry mat and hospital over bowling and snowboarding
1. I'm sometimes too open and honest. but i love me, for me

Eight ways to win my heart:

8. not pushing views on me
7. leaving the word "cunt" out of your vocab, it just sounds disgusting
6. don't make fun of my "babyish" habits
5. tell me I'm good at things I'm good at, rather than say i can do better
4. be honest, even if it may not be what i want to hear
3. don't talk about drugs around me. i don't do them, care for them, i am not curious about them and think they are a waste of time, money and people's lives. sure they can be fun once in a while but if you do them regularly just don't talk about them to me, all the time. i don't mind once in a while, but if they consume your life and you have nothing better to talk about, make a journal or find someone else with like minded interests. because drugs aren't mine. they scare the shit out of me actually
2. go on spontaneous adventures with me
1. don't ask me if i have a myspace within the first hour of knowing me

Seven things that cross my mind often:

7. what if
6. how can i be naked in this situation
5. they missed a spot
4. how dirty are your hands
3. you have the best laugh
2. sounds, i love sounds and want to pursue a career with them
1. sex

Six things I do before I fall asleep:

6. brush mah teeth
5. put Athena (puppy) to bed
4. make some sort of contact with Dylan
3. music or a movie
2. think about stuff, always thinking
1. love on blanket

Five *groups of* people who mean a lot.

5. people with interesting lives
4. those funny people you meet at parties that you instantly click with but talk to only a few times a year
3. teachers
2. best friends
1. family

Four things you're wearing right now.

4. rockin' republic jeans
3. black tank top
2. grandpa grey long sweater
1. globe castros (my old man loafers)

Three songs that you listen to often.

3. house, techno, electronic
2. rock, classic, classical, punk, relaxing, rap, hip hop
1. everything actually and i know those aren't songs.

Two things you want to do before you die.

2. calm my mind
1. have a family and build a sustainable lifestyle

One confession.

1. i love sex

Unleash

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 03:29:01 GMT

I may not be the prettiest girl, but I'm beautiful.
I may not present my self the way you want, but I express my self more genuine and true than most.
I may not have the most glamorous life, but I have few complaints.
I may not have many friends, but I have some of the best.
I may not be dating Brad Pitt, but Dylan is a lot better.
I may not dress too stylish, but I'm comfortable.
I may not have the coolest phone, but it works.
I may not have the nicest car, but it's pretty nice.
I may not have the most well behaved puppy, but shes a great dog.
I may not always be the healthiest person, but I'm living.
I may not have the nicest hair, but I have a good nickname.
I may not have the best of jobs, but I'm the only one that has them.
I may not be in school, but I'm learning.
I may feel lonely at times, but I have the best family.
I may sleep in, but I avoid naps.
I may get jealous, but it's because I express my fears differently.
I may not like pencils, but I make few mistakes.
I may not have a true hobby, but I love much in life.
I may not be married, but someday I'll be a princess.
I may not have children, but I'll be a great mother.
I may have lied before, but I'm no liar.
I may be small, but I'm packed with bite.
I may have funny eyes, but I can see.
I may get ditched, but life goes on.
I may live with parents, but I have a home.
I may use food stamps, but I'm eating.
I may work everyday, but I'm supporting myself.

..and people bitch about how life can be so cruel. Get over your self's and be grateful for what you have, you little bitches.

He's just not that into you..

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 06:57:53 GMT

See that movie.

Although now I don't want to be in a relationship ever, or get married. Because men, they just don't understand.

Athena, you're the only soul I'll ever need.

One Movement

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 10:11:30 GMT

I can't get this local band out of my head.

I want to start a band.

And a revolution.

And a garden.

I want a bike.

And a place for my puppy to roam.

I want to be able to pull my hair into a pony-tail, fell 100% healthy for ever and always, and have no worries in the world.

Where did those days go?

I also really want to go to school, why does no one see this. Fuck you FAFSA, you can suck a fat D.

..and as off topic as this may seem, I want to find someone who thinks I'm good enough to be married to.

But you know. What the fuck ever right.

Yeah, what the fuck ever..

and no, I'm not angry or unhappy.. just fyi

Holy Balls.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 04:46:52 GMT

I'm 21 this year and I don't give a damn. Alcohol is stupid.

Dylan is 21 on Sunday, I have the best gift for him EVER. I'll post it after his birthday since he reads this. Haha.

Summer is drawing near, Spring Break even closer and I am so unbelievably excited to see my friends come home.

I'm excited to go back to school next year, Chemistry is calling me. Although I still have a yearn to go into sound effects. Being a Foley artist would be the job of my dreams.

I think Dylan and I are going to record a song soon, maybe. If so, we'll post it for you (the world) to hear.

I was told about 7 times now over the past 48 hours that I look like Hayley Williams from Paramore. Hmm, I think I'm going to dye my hair orange and start a rock band. Or at leased be the lead singer (despite the band she's in, has an amazing voice) from a sellout band for Halloween. That sounds good enough. Fame is overrated.

Athena is getting big, shes 11 weeks now. I get to give her, her last set of puppy shots in a week. Haha, poor thing. There's a new picture of her--in black and white though--on here. Check it. She's the best dog I could have asked for.

Planting food is coming soon, and I can't wait for home grown veggies and well being outside.

Summer, please hurry. I really need a tan. And my best friend to return. Ren, I miss you to pieces. See you in a week!

Time to go grocery shopping with the man. Yes, at 10 pm haha.

Love is the topic of choice you see

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 23:57:07 GMT

Love to me, and really anyone i talk to, is the one of the scariest things to dive into. Love is a beautiful, painful, a long lasting, deep emotion that is uncontrollable and can make you do some crazy things. I think the last two are really why love is scary. It's uncontrollable and makes you do "crazy" things. But no one can make you do anything, right? Love is no one and its in you--so you make yourself do crazy things? Does this make us all bipolar? Because if love is uncontrollable yet our own emotions control us, who's to say we all don't have a "mental" illness? Or why do we get "jealous" if having feelings for another human being is uncontrollable? Not to say I haven't had feelings for another person while in a relationship or gotten the dose of jealousy when I catch my partner checking another person out. I'm rambling. The point of this entry was not to down love. With its ups and downs I love-love and am glad its an emotion everyone can relate with, despite their outlook on it in the current moment.

The point of this entry was actually to see if I can cure my own downs of love. To write a letter to those I've loved to the point of being "crazy" or not expressing me feelings well enough. It's hard to love when the other doesn't return the feeling, especially when we all have our own stipulations and ideas of how things should go.

I don't want to be one of those people that say the love word is miss used or thrown around too much. Again we all have our own ideas on love and can express it in many ways. If you love someone tell them. If you feel you need to tell them what kind of love it is-friendship, sexual, soul mate, whatever love-then tell them. Tell people exactly how you feel because if you don't then they may never know, and that's worse then not having them around period. If they freak then let it go and move on, at leased you did what felt right to you. I can promise everyone that there is that perfect someone for us all. Not the prince charming that sweeps you off your feet or the hot bod big boobed perfect everything women. No. That's not what I mean by perfect for us all. Everyone has their flaws and everyone will fight. Don't let those things fool you to loving another. Also, if you love someone get to know them, not their reputation. People change, they really do.

Back to my point here. There are two people that pop into my head that I can say I've had stronger than just a crush feelings for (other than Dylan). And why is beyond me as well as it is to you two. Not to say you are bad people, but really we haven't had the best relationships (if any) and you haven't really shown yourself to me and vise versa to say I've 'loved'. But again it's uncontrollable after a point and I think letting it out to you both and the world will get you off my chest for once and for all, or ever rekindle a friendship. Who knows. So if you happen to someday stumble upon this journal post then fate had its course. Think what you will about this entry, say what you want. Tell people I'm crazy or call me to talk. Disregard it or post an entry to it with your response. I don't care, my idea here is to be honest with you both, the world, and of course my self.

First person is Brian Capsey. Why I still have thoughts about you is confusing to me. The last time we've had a good 'relationship' between one another was middle school, high school for you. But it wasn't that great. I was 14, thought I could get my way and that changed your opinion of me from then on out. I could see why, I did some pretty unbelievable things. I'm not going to sit here and claim to be a changed person and try to win you over. That is not my intention at all with spewing this out. Just to let you know. Throughout high school you and your group of friends made my life a living hell. People thought I was sleeping around with everyone, doing drugs, and--well crazy. I had my share of parties, relationships and crazy spurts, like everyone else did. But I guess some how my life needed to be focused on. In one way I really disliked you as a person because I thought you were an honest guy with genuine intentions (not that you aren't I don't know if you are, just at the time this is what I thought). But on the other hand I almost thank you for doing that to me in school, not that I loved walking around with a terrible reputation but that I now give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I don't judge based on reputation, looks, or a few things they have done in the past. The one thing in this writing I will clear up is that I do not want to get back with you. When I've contacted you in the past it wasn't to hook up, or become best friends. It was to get pot for a friend. That's it. I don't know why you think every time I try to come in contact with you, I want your nuts. Maybe you don't, but that's the impression you give off. So if I'm reading you wrong I apologize in advance. I am sorry for all the weird and hurtful things I may have done to you in the past, but for you to hold them against me 5 years later seems a bit odd considering how you treated me through out high school and beyond. I don't care if we ever communicate again, I just want to throw out things so you maybe will better understand. I really did care about you. And having hurtful things come from your mouth didn't make it any better. I really don't know where our friendship flipped to hate, and I don't know if maybe that was for the best. I don't want to rub anything in your face or say things like "I hope you're better off without me" because we obviously were not a good match, although I did enjoy hanging out with you as a friend. I do hope you are doing well in life with whatever you're doing and that if our paths ever do cross it isn't weird or hateful. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Next is Colin Vanderhoff. Now Colin you have done nothing really to 'hurt' me, more we never really got to know each other. There was something about you that made me really want to connect with you -- I think anyone that meets you instantly is attracted to your personality-- but we never really got the chance to 'talk' haha because I know that's every guys fantasy. More so we partied, hung out, and "liked" each other. Then stopped. Not sure if it was a mutual agreement or not, it always just seemed like bad timing on one or both of our parts. Although I still think you're an awesome person, and we've talked about hanging out and having a conversation many times before. I think we really should fulfill that. Not so we can move forward as boyfriend and girlfriend or anything, but you're really cool and I like spending time with you. So I hope some day we fulfill that and have an actual conversation. Also Colin (If you ever actually read this, which I doubt you will ha) I want you to know I really respect you from a crushing relationship stand point. Going to the movies and passing out at your house after parties and what not, you were always a nice genuine guy. I hope you stay that way, and we get a chance to finally hangout.

So again, call me crazy, think I'm weird, or just talk if that's what you want. But I feel better knowing this is out and who ever can do whatever they please with this information.

Do you hear me?

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 22:27:49 GMT

I always dislike trying to figure out the best way to express all of my thoughts in text for internet views everywhere. I never know how to start, end or mold the middle to sound somewhat intelligent or well put together. I cant find the right way to get my fellow human beings to follow my train of though or somewhat understand me and the things I think and do. So I guess the only thing I can do is let my fingers do the talking and hope that someone out there will understand.

CORRECTION:

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 05:48:20 GMT

So I may not move to Portland anymore

Ashland is just to rad to leave. But Corvallis is calling my name. Maybe someday. But not quite yet.

Maybe after India, Greece, Australia and New Zeland.

Yes, sounds good.

Word on the streets is

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 23:28:50 GMT

My life is wonderful.

No Lies-longish

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 12:48:28 GMT

I havent written in this for awhile. and on this write i feel like spilling out.
sorry if i offend you.

TOPIC:"Bestfriends"
Christein, is getting married. And although I think 19 is too young, I approve. Her and her fiance are in love and theyre getting married now or later. 3 years of dating I guess constitutes marriage. But Im excited for her. And maybe the reason I disapprove, is the jelousy factor of not having someone to love me the way the y love each other. Not yet anyways.
Sarah, I love you. You say we're bffs but you replace me like a trash bag. And you listen to what other people say about me then instantly accuse me. And it really hurts my feelings. And I dont think you have for a while, but I have a strong feeling Im going to be called out on something rediclous son enough. I do value our friendship, but I dont think ou value mine. Hence why I bitch about bestfriends.
Lauren, since this summer our friendship has been a crazy roller coaster, I feel like you replace me too. not in a way of you throw me out. But phases of hangingout. Which it happens, but I would like to see you more often.
Coli, frick I just miss you.
Kayc, derr I know we arent bffs anymore..but I assume everyone saw the quotes around bestfriends. anyways. i dont know what the hell to do with you. i guess im full of empty promises and endless lies in yur eyes. and that sucks. because of all friends, excluding kyle dolmage and family. ive never cared for another human being as much as i do you. and whenever i try to step in and prove to you that i really do care about you you find something to mock/critisize about my lifestyle or the way i am in relationships of any sort. you talk aout people not caring about you, well hello?! my hand is up. pick me ive got something to say. i miss you. and i love you.
Kyle Dolmage, well obviously we arent bffs either. frick. i want to make one thing clear to everyone. I have not been looking to get back with kyle. one mistake last year that was both kyle and I's fault despite who actually did it, ruin trust with everyone. and honestly it was s frickin mistake. christ people im not that big of a b and hes not that big of an ass. we're all human, it happens. and im making it sound like we raped a corpse. no we kissed, thats it. ANYWAYS, like i told you either closure is needed or a rekindled friendship because something came into our frequecy and ruin one of the, no THE best frienship i have ever had. and i miss it.
Kyle Vinyard, I just love ya boy :)
Trevor, Im not going to lie something about our friendship really gets on my nerves sometimes and I dont know why, but youre a good guy. we need to record some songs still, and well Im sure ill see you within the week lol.
Dylan Addison, I think you really have stolen my heart.

Ok on other notes,
Colin v and I are not and will not ever date.
Ehlan and I (for now) are going to prom together. Hopfully that doesnt change, but things happen.
Ehlans a good guy, Im really glad we hangout now. And for people that dont like ehlan, yes Im talking to one individual. Get over yourself, you play victum way to often. you used to be friends, im sure you see good in everyone.
Tristan really pushed my buttons today.
I have SO much online crap to do. frick.
Im re-thinking Portland.
Living with Laura and Michelle has its up's and downs but I dont think I could have asked for better roomates.
Dash Bivens and I are supposidly walking at graduation together! woo the giant and the shrimp! :D
Im figuring if I need a 2nd job.
I miss my family, a lot.
When I got poison oak on my backpacking trip with WCS my hospital bill was $555, insurance wouldnt cover. had another bill. something covered $544. Not insurence. Not me. Not family. Im happy no worries there, but Im still lost for what did it.
Tim came down :) so nice to see him after like 1 1/2? 2 years?
My phone hates me haha
Ive gotten into art more, which ive been wanting too for a while now. glad i am
GRADUATION, cant get it out of my head
PROM, same <3

Although life is decent/great
my love life is just flat. and wel not saying i want a bf, but a companion would be pretty swell right now.

I think I really just miss my old actual friendships
not fake ones
i have no one to spill everything too. that was kyles job and since he left i put up a wall. and shunned people out in different areas
i want that someone to fill my void.
i want people to realize ive changed and to stop putting bad past choices or rumors to my name.
im a different person. the same but different.
obviously if people cant see that theyre the ones who just cant seem to grow up quite yet.
im trying, try too?

Time flys

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 23:59:55 GMT

when everything falls apart. frick.
so life update.
Dylan dumped me-again. and its over, for good. now this is a section to answer everyones questions who seem to be so cocerned with my life so i dont have to keep talking about dylan because its just pissing me off.
what happened?- hes and idiot basically. smart, yes. but honestly hes an idiot
anyways i dont know if im over it. well, no im not. actually im pissed, it amazes me how selfish and crule someone could be, lets not forget that he has no heart. atleased in this situation
now of course im being bitter, but i think hes a good guy and i still care about dylan and would love to still be in a relationship with him, but of course i dont get to make any decision.
why is it that during breaks ups, one person gets the say so and thats that. wtf. and why am i the one suffering? i gave him way more than he deserved and got it thrown back in my face. and now hes going after some sorotiy girl. ehh.
thats where i got pissed because i havent even considered other guys. its been two freaking weeks. screw him.

ugh okay now that thats out of my system. sorry dylan but i deserve to be angry heh
anyways
so obviously im not moving out with him anymore but i still am moving to portland this summer with my friend sam. cool guy, im really excited.

and at this moment in time im not longer a captive in my parents home, not like i ever was a captive, but i have an apt in ashland..closer to school and friends.. with two of my friends (girls) from the college here so its cool. its fun
although i just got over the flu (eww) but other than that living here is great. i got to go grocerie shopping for the first time like a week ago which was exciting lol

working on mt ashland about 3 weeks ago i dislocated my hip and hyper extended my knee and was on crutches for awhile...i know then i get the flu..good luck right? anyways i called them a little bit ago asking if i should come back. they only want me full time. BUT thats cool because this week is finals week and..well this is my schedual
last week we got out of school early on friday then sat sun mon(mlk day) and tues off because i didnt have any finals tues. so today i had 2 finals which were decent and 2mor i have 2 more, but not until 10. then no school friday because its the end of the semester and no school monday..because idk why then new semester classes are...drawing and painting, ap art, worldculture and anthroplogy and office aide. i added another art class because..well why not? and basically those classes are just classes to take for fun until the day i walk because its free education and i want to work. so im out of class at 11:20 everyday. yay.
so working full time on the mountain shall work plus i still work at mix (the coffee shop) sundays and mondays..so basically if the mt works ill only have tuesdays off..but i love being busy, im a more productive and active person. oh and i can pretty much live on my child support, rent and food and all so working will just be like money saved, extra money and a few other things but. yeah. i think im set if it all works
why im telling you all that idk.

anyways. i have to make an art final for 2mor, no idea what to make..maybe watch some more dawsons creek haha and hangout with some friends.
so yeah

sorry if i sounded like a dramatic valley girl or something. im pepped on coffee and first day ive had energy because of being sick and what not so yeah.

I like this.

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:19:55 GMT

Do you see me standing here, now?

Everything is changing. I will be put to the test, and so will you. For once I am confused. This is the beginning. My thoughts will be set free and you will see what I really am. I see where I'm going but I don't know how to get there. This is a revolution that will affect more people than white middle class Americans. You know this is true, you can feel it. The sun is rising.

We are ground zero, progress will be as you've never seen it before. We will throw away everything that is old for a new time has come.

We will write our own bible. We will strike down selfish, radical propaganda at whatever sewer it crawls out of. This is the first time we have started with everything we needed. Take advantage if it. What a great time to be born, what a great day to die.

Anger and faith are the same thing.

I don't know if what I did was right.
I don't know if what I did was True.
But I did it.

yay hoe-seph

Nothing is real.

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 21:30:37 GMT

Ive been having really vivid dreams the past few weeks...
To the point where I can't tell the difference between reality and fantisy.
Scary, I know. But adventurous. So I can't complain.

Strawberry feilds forever...

Seems to be it. Wow.

no crunch zone

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 08:53:35 GMT

Status:
School-
*Senior project changed, not art club..but art portfolio.
*health packet almost done
*online classes, I'll worry later
*anatomy, working on it now
Love:
*very much in
*with Dylan Addison
*Im not letting him go
*we need to work on communication, considering we're in a distance relationship
*I get to see him in less than 2 weeks
Home:
*I want to leave
*I love my family, but i need to get out
*I cant wait to have my own home
*I cant wait to live with dylan
PMS:
*sick of it
*horomones need to leav emy body already-injected ones that is
*it makes me 246265 times crazier, trust me thats pretty darn crazy
Work:
*long, but good
*mountain opens soon=snowboarding WOO! yay for that job
*Mix-miss it, cant wait to go back
Health:
*I want to eat better than I have
*I want to excersize A LOT more! its gives you more energy, and happy chemicals...naturally
*I just want to be considered healthy haha

I ever know what to write anymore...again with the 235972 miles an hour in my head.
I miss my old bestfriend Kyle D. not my old boyfriend, but bestfriend. idk why but i do..and its weirding me out...big time.
I had a way too vivid dream about haing a child..with dylan.
I also had a dream we were married..well..it was our wedding.
After "analyzing my dreams" main point..i want progression with my life.
I dont think something has really intrigued me in awhile. things have been great and what not, good things happen all the time. just no progression. even with graduating next month, a long relationship (this is my second longest relationship.) yesterday was an anni. actually. but i need a life progression, just not..whats "supposed" to happen. something big needs to happen. idk. i think thats why ie been so impatcient, stressed, crazy...everything thats not [me] the past i dont know how many months.
I want to be like i used to be. so carefree, loving, happy. seriously. i never had a bad day. i want that back. so im going to work at that.

I think i keep pushing dylan because of that progression thing. i dont want to push him...but maybe somethings telling me to progress with him. but i dont want to ruin what we have. if a longterm future is in store, i want it to happen when its supposed to.

jesus, just tell me what i need to do to just chill for once. to be present with now and relax, just be happy.
why is this goal all of a sudden so hard for me?
i swear since jan 1st after midnight..no joke..well actually the begging of my ACTUAL senior year in highschool...I just lost touch with myself. where did i go?
hello. ashley, come back? would be nice to see you again. i miss you.

do you get what im saying. im not "me" i talk about useless things a lot. i want to be an intersting intellegent person, but i feel like i talk about nothing. so why talk?
i feel like i change my mind too much, actually i do. but i cant figure out why. i never used to do that. i maed my desicions (good or bad) pretty quick and was usually confident with them.

I never doubted anything. i just knew when it was wrong or right.

I never really attatched to people, the usually attatched to me.

I was never 8 different persons aat once. wtf

i think highschool is just driving me up the wall.
ill let you know if i change when im out in a month.

Screw you

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 17:03:42 GMT

PMS

You're making me crazy. crazier than I already am :)

Whos victum am I today?

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 08:09:41 GMT

Im falling into depression, and I dont know why. And Im trying my hardest to stay above it, yet Im slipping faster and faster into the deep unknown.
I should get away, I wont quit now.
But its consuming me.
And Im starting to lose faith in staying up at this point in my life right now.
I have really no reason to be, yet I am.
Im loosing faith in my relationships, including with Dylan. Even though I have no reason too.
Why do I do this?
I want to escape this.
What I have with Dylan is great, I cant throw that away, Im graduating next month-and have so much to do before then:
-senior project
-3online classes
-a 100 pg different assignments health packet
-4 tests, 2 quizzes and random stuff in anatomy
-plus everything else tht will be assigned until then
I have a really bad pain in my stomach, and I refuse to see the doctor about it, I dont like making visits to the doctor.
I keep getting headaches and Ive tried everthing to sooth them, yet their only getting worse
I have no place I can truely call home. Not one.
I want to be settled somewhere.
I want to be done with highschool-with a diploma
I want to live with the most wonderful guy I know-Dylan Addison and 2 very great people. Sarah and Jeremy.
I want to start college already.
I want to be happy, and not PMSing.

Mer.
I want I want I want.
I need to get it together.
I need answers.

Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about.

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 07:32:03 GMT

I want the across the universe soundtrack. Besides the actual movie, a laptop and Dylan (in the same location)
Thats about what I want, if I make a want list ;) haha

This weekend my brother had surgury, on his brain. Hes okay though, tough kid.
But I went up thursday morning and my buddy ol' pal Kyle picked my up in Portland and drove me down to Salem, where I suprised Dylan. =D it worked, I actually suprised Dylan Addison, I know mad props to me right? ha.

Today sitting in Dylans dorm while he was in class I was looking through my facebook messages, I realized no matter what I get defensive about anything. You know when someone lies they get defensive when they say no and ask "why do you think I would do that" or something along those lines. Well even if I have 110% proof I didnt, or havent, or wont, whatever, I get defensive. I need to knock that crap off. Because I think thats why people have the thoughts they do about me.
IDK, maybe just because Im insane but again, idk.

I dont like myspace, or facebook. Why I keep them is beyond me but I do. But seriously. You cant express yourself over messages and comments/posts. And then when a conflict does arise, gah, the worst. Drama over the internet is re-tard-ed. Big time. More so than in person drama haha. But I dont have any drama right now *knock on wood* but I was looking at messages with some people from awhile ago, wow. My "friends" and I are really immature.
I really DO want to cut drama out, as much as possible.
Frick.
Seriously though, the second Dylan finally gets text messaging (I will not stop pushing until it happens) I t hink facebook and myspace will be cut out of my life. Atleased 90% wise. Because I do infact use it to "keep-in-touch" with people, but wtf, why not use a phone, or if possible in person. Der.

I have the S.A.T.s in the morning, I should be asleep, but clearing my mind of random useless t houghts sounded like a better choice to me. But Im not stressing over them, Ill do just as well if im not freaking out as if I were calm. And im taking them to see how well I score, not for college, Because Im going to community college a first. And when I do transfer schools, I can re-take them if I need them. (if I do bad that is.) But again, Im not stressing out.

Someday, I will conqure the world. Maybe? Scary thought. But I'll be nice :)
Again this is just random useless thoughts floating throughout my head. Like always, thats why I enjoy writting, no expectations. Atleased for something like this.

I cant wait to have my own buisness('s). cantttt waiittttt

Have I ever said I trust Dylan 110%? Because people dont seem to trust relationships this day in age. And maybe with the constant change that was happening at the begging of the relationship I should question it, but I dont. Because, I trust him. Hes my bestfriend. How could I not? But I wont say I get weird thoughts sometimes, what gf doesnt?

Ive been smiling for a few days straight now, Idk whats going through my head when its happening. But its happening.
I mean of course, the music Im listening to, Dylan, friends and family, school, whatever....but you would think eventually I would stop smiling, but I dont. And dont want to either. So im not going to.
gah this is super random.

Im listening to Britney Spears, why, because I can. I dont need a reason ha.

So Im going to learn how to play the violin/fiddle-whatever and try making techno with string instruments in it, should sound pretty sweet. Oh steal my idea..and well...I wont do anything. Because if I cared that much I wouldnt say my idea on here :)
Anyone play any cool string instruments that wants to help out? Should be a fun project.

I really dont know what I want to write, maybe thats when you know its time to sleep, but I'll prob. watch TV...err I dont like the Tv how did I get sucked back in!?!?
Frick.
Oh and Im trying to not curse anymore, its nasty. Just idk, I dont like it.
For me anyways. I think Im pretty done with Drinking and all that too. Even though its been awhile, I like being sober, always have. So lets see how long it lasts.

Im never piercing anything (other than my nose) on my face. Just, eww. Its cool for others, but me, heck no. Ewwwww.

Bed.
I want to be with Dylan...two more weeks and I get to go pick him up for christmas vacation :)

Bed bed bed.

Good night

Oh and again, Im in love <3 with Dylan A. Addison.
Thats right. Woo!